Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.

WTF??? It's 4:49 a.m., I'm dead-ass tired, and I have YET to fall asleep! Hubby says I have too much on my mind. Could be...

I'm just so restless. I've tried everything. Reading. Listening to podcasts. Hot shower (at 2:30 a.m.). Hot cereal.

Usually those last two do it for me.

I give up. Party at a friend's later today. Wonder if I'll be able to get some rest beforehand. More people that don't know yet. Hate having to deliver bad news.

Stage 3

Or should that be in Roman numerals? Stage III. Hmmm. Will have to think on that. In fact, need to think on a lot of stuff before I can't think anymore due to (drum roll, please) CHEMO BRAIN. Yes, as if I didn't have enough trouble remembering stuff, looks like that's in my immediate future.

So...met the oncologist yesterday. Thank God hubby was with me, as he can help me remember what I can't or didn't get scribbled down fast enough.

Turns out it's Stage 3/III because it's >5 cm. Yep, I am apparently carrying around a tennis ball in my left breast. A tennis ball which DID NOT SHOW on the 2017 mammogram. Either it's fast growing (duh) or I have dense breasts. Or both. Oh, and it's also 3/III because it's in the lymph nodes. Geez.
And it's the "most common type" as in hormone receptive but HER2neu-negative. Apparently the latter is a good thing.

So, I'm gonna' need 20 (TWENTY!) weeks of chemo to shrink the tennis ball by at least 50% prior to surgery, followed by radiation. The odyssey begins...

And, yes, all of the chemo side effects shall be mine to cherish.

Anyway, before this fun and games can begin, I need a PET scan, a heart ultra-sound, and...a PORT INSTALLED UNDER MY SKIN. Good lord and WTH? THAT sound so gross, but apparently it's necessary as the chemo - strong chemo in my case - will just burn out the veins. Ew.

And that's the happy, happy news from here. As soon as I figure out what the URL is to this blog, I think I'll be ready to give it out to friends and family for their reading enjoyment. Stay tuned...

P.S. I feel validated as the Dr. said yes, cancer CAN make you tired as your body is fighting it. So now I have my answer as to why I've felt SO tired for the last several months...now, if only I could SLEEP at night! (*sigh*)

M.R.I. = Must Run Immediately?

Well, I had a funny photo which I had uploaded, but gawd only knows where it is on this computer! I can't find it! It actually seemed to go somewhere in google, but...who knows?

Today's topic is (drum roll, please):

BREAST MRI!!!!

So I was told over the phone that this would be no big deal, that I'd be in by 9:30, out by 10:30. No prep needed, I can drive myself, blah blah blah...

Let's just say thank goodness for my mother in law! She came 30 miles to pick me up, take me to the appt., and then out to lunch. What an angel.

So...it's a little more involved than the in and out stated above. First of all, they start an IV. For this, they had me lie down. Why? So that if I faint, I'm already prone? I don't know. Felt like I was in an O.R.

Anyway, the IV wasn't so bad. Although the release form one must sign to have that (weird, starts with a "G") substance pumped into one's veins is a little scary. I thought back to when I was in labor with a baby "in distress" and how that seemed an opportune time for the doctor to hand me a release form to sign citing possible death as a result of the pending emergency C-section. And I thought of chemo poisons which were probably in my immediate future along with cancer and the fact that I was almost 60 and not getting any younger and thought, "Heck, what's a little starts-with-a-G that might stay in my body and brain forever? Bring it ON!"

So the MRI position was NOT comfortable, but the upside was that I was face down so it didn't really matter how claustrophobic I might have found the machine. Yay! Just grateful that the crap they injected into me did NOT cause a headache and did NOT cause a weird taste or smell sensation. Slight saline at the start. No big deal.

Anyway, AFTERward my back really hurt and I felt kinda' dizzy and off-balance. Not real well at all. Again, SO glad I didn't have to drive. Felt better after FOOD. So nice of m-i-l to take me out to lunch.

We were there for maybe 2 hours tops and the parking cost (drum roll) $11.20! WTF????? Now I need to go back there for a PET scan. Think I'll walk the 9 miles from home.

Got a lot of sleep when I came home. Felt great. Have not been sleeping well at all nights. Even when tired. I love when I get enough sleep and have some ENERGY and feel like getting STUFF DONE.

First oncologist visit on Thursday. As in two days from now. Tons of fun. Stay tuned...

A Blogger is Born

 

So...here I am. I guess I'm a blogger. Somehow I managed to find a blog platform(?) and actually set one up. We'll see how it goes. Got the idea from a blog I ran across which the blogger used to keep her friends and family up to date if and when she was too ill/tired to do so. 

Not really doing this for anyone else to read, although I have a feeling that will change in time. Allegedly stuff like journaling/blogging is good for you. Like yoga, eating right, sleeping enough, exercise, mindfulness, and all that other good stuff. 

Been reading/listening to podcasts about a lot of that stuff lately since my DIAGNOSIS. 

There it is. DIAGNOSIS. 

It was, hmmm, about 11 days ago...OK, I got it. It was June 14th when I got the call. It's still hard to believe now that I write about it. And here I thought that I had accepted it by now. Breast cancer. Yep. Breast cancer. I have breast cancer. That looks less threatening in lower case type. Anyway, for 3 or 4 days I just walked around thinking, "This is unreal," and "I have breast cancer," and, "WTH?" 

Stuff like breast cancer only happens to other people. Yeah, just like death is for other people. Not for me. I'm going to live forever. I'm immortal, like Samantha on Bewitched. (*sigh*). 

Well, then you go from that to "How am I going to tell people?" And then you start feeling badly that you're going to ruin their day by telling them. Lots of thoughts, lots of emotions. Fears. It's all churning around in the brain. I'm up many nights until, well, all night. Sometimes I just don't go to bed at all. Not healthy, I know.

My daughter and I seem to have the same warped, sarcastic, gallows sense of humor. We went shopping the next day or so and she called it "celebrating cancer." Which I found hilarious. I had a friend who went through a hideous divorce many years ago during which she lost a good deal of weight. I remember her jokingly referring to her situation as "the divorce diet." I've been thinking of that a lot lately as I guess I'll soon be embarking upon "the cancer diet." Nice. 

How did this all begin, you may ask? Noticed some irregularities. Had a routine mammogram, which lead to a needle(s) biopsy(ies) of the mass and lymph nodes. Which led to a diagnosis. 

Since then I've been to a surgeon. Nice, handsome man. I was alone and topless with a tall, handsome stranger, it's true. (*sigh*). He says it's "at least Stage 2." And he has referred me to an oncologist. That's 3 days from now. He told me to stop taking my Prempro. Gawd only knows what THAT'S going to do for my disposition. So far I'm relatively sane. Relatively. 

Tomorrow is an MRI which, when I read about how that's done, sounds like tons of fun. Can't wait. 

Oh, and tomorrow is weigh in day at Weight Watchers. Which I will probably refer to as WW from now on. Since I've been eating non-stop out of sheer anxiety, that ought to be rather sad. 

Before I sign off, I should mention my amazing friends. Sometimes you just don't realize how lucky you are when certain people come into your life. I am in awe at how blessed I am to have the friends I have. Friends from high school and from college and from work...most of whom I've known for a minimum of 25 years. I don't know how I got so fortunate. Am taking my time telling one or a few of them at a time and they've been...in a word...AMAZING. More on that later. 

Hope to keep this up on a daily or almost-daily basis. Thank you for reading, if you've gotten this far. 😍