Wednesday, November 7, 2018

The Twelve Days of Taxol Updated

OK, so I re-wrote the lyrics...

On the first day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me a declining white blood cell count.
On the second day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me two peeling feet and a declining white blood cell count.
On the third day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the fourth day of Taxol,  my doctor gave to me four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the fifth day of Taxol,  my doctor gave to me five achy joints. (brief pause).  
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the sixth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).  
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the seventh day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the eighth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me eight stool softeners, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the ninth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me nine itchy rashes, eight stool softeners, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the tenth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me ten balding patches, nine itchy rashes, eight stool softeners, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the eleventh day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me eleven days’ exhaustion, ten balding patches, nine itchy rashes, eight stool softeners, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.
On the twelfth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me twelve days of brain fog, eleven days’ exhaustion,  ten balding patches, nine itchy rashes, eight stool softeners, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints. (brief pause).
...four tingling fingers, three bleeding gums, two peeling feet, and a declining white blood cell count.

I mean, what ELSE do I have to do? Oh, yeah, sleep, complain, drink tons of water, go to the bathroom 1,000 times a day, watch the dog snore...listen to endless podcasts when my eyes get too blurry to see,...eat. I put in "brief pause" as there's a good chance that my oncologist's office is going to perform this at their company Christmas party. Cool, huh? Oh, to be a fly on THAT wall! 🎄

Wow! Is the formatting all whacked out on this? My chemo brain - oh, ALL RIGHT! My BRAIN, PERIOD can NOT figure out how to remedy that. Fortunately these lyrics are repetitive as heck, plus everyone and their uncle knows this song so, hopefully, you won't have too much trouble singing along in your head. Or out loud. Whatever your office mates can tolerate. 😜

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

The 12 Days of Taxol




(Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

On the first day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me a decreased white blood cell count.
On the second day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me two tingly feet and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the third day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me three new mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the fourth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me four racing heartbeats, three new mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the fifth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me five achy joints...  
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the sixth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me six sleepless nights, five achy joints... 
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the seventh day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...  
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the eighth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me eight heads-a-balding, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...  
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the ninth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me nine itchy rashes, eight heads-a-balding, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...  
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the tenth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me ten stomach upsets, nine itchy rashes, eight heads-a-balding, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the eleventh day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me eleven days’ exhaustion, ten stomach upsets, nine itchy rashes, eight heads-a-balding, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...  
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.
On the twelfth day of Taxol, my doctor gave to me twelve nights-a-coughing, eleven days’ exhaustion, ten stomach upsets, nine itchy rashes, eight heads-a-balding, seven bouts of nausea, six sleepless nights, five achy joints...
Four racing hearts, three mouth sores, two tingly feet, and a decreased white blood cell count.

Just a little ditty in honor of my starting Taxol last week. As of today, two Taxol treatments down, 10 to go. Soldier on!

Monday, September 3, 2018

Nadir. And I'm not talkin' Ralph!

Well, Ralph would be Nader, with an -er ending. Anyway, boys & girls, today's vocabulary word is nadir. 

na·dir
ˈnādər,ˈnādir/
noun
noun: nadir; plural noun: nadirs
  1. the lowest point in the fortunes of a person or organization.

    "they had reached the nadir of their sufferings"

    synonyms:lowest point, lowest level, all-time low, bottomrock-bottom;
    informalpits
    "the nadir of his career"


My oncologist used this word when I saw him last week and, had that not been such an apt description of the state I was in, I might have laughed out loud.

Chemo #3 was 12 days ago and I'm just now starting to feel kinda' normal. That can only mean one thing: it's time for MORE CHEMO. Yep, more is scheduled for 2 days from today. 

Seems like recovery time is longer between each successive treatment. Well, actually it IS. See vocabulary word cumulative in my last post. 
The good news is that this upcoming fourth treatment is supposed to be the last of the super-crappy chemos. The last of the treatments with drugs that start with A and C. I don't know the names of them off-hand and do you really need to have them spelled out? I thought not. The next drug starts with a T and it's supposed to be easier to handle. If I can just get past this next dose of poison and the two or more weeks it's going to take to recover, then I'll be a happy camper. In the meantime, I'm saving money on shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, etc. Thank you for all of your prayers, good wishes, and happy thoughts. 💗

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

My Taste Buds Are Back for a Week. Where's the Food?

I saw that on a funny meme (yes, there are funny cancer memes) and today I can really relate to it.  Tomorrow is chemo #3.  So today I'm not only tasting food, but experiencing the energy to do a few chores and take care of some personal errands that I will just feel too crappy to do for who-knows-how-long after tomorrow's poisoning.  Chemo #2 hit harder than  chemo #1. Turns out that's to be expected.  Apparently the effects of the poison are cumulative. 

cu·mu·la·tive
ˈkyo͞omyələdiv,ˈkyo͞omyəˌlādiv/
adjective
adjective: cumulative
  1. increasing or increased in quantity, degree, or force by successive additions.
    "the cumulative effect of two years of drought"
    synonyms:increasing, accumulative, growing, mounting;

Yep. That about sums it up.  So I'm a little (OK, a LOT) concerned about tomorrow.  Well, mostly the two to three days after when the full wrath of the poisoning tends to descend upon me and linger for days.  Or weeks.  Hopefully I can sleep through it as per usual. 

Anyway, the bottom line is that today and yesterday feel like my own personal Last Supper.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to feel crappy all the way to chemo #4 and beyond. That means about a month of crappiness ahead.  The only upside is that chemo #4 is my last of the super-crappy chemos.  After that I'm to receive 12 weeks of weekly less-crappy chemo.  So I guess all I can do at this point is hold my nose and jump in. 

Monday, August 20, 2018

Gone Today, Hair Tomorrow

Yep. I'm bald. Bald and bitchy. Just don't call me 'cueball.'

So...a week or two ago I noticed my hair coming out in handfuls. Yes, handfuls. So. Many. Handfuls.  It's really amazing how much hair is on one's head. Even on one who believes they don't have a lot of hair. Trust me. You have a lot of hair. Possibly a ton of hair. Or close to it.

So...my helpful daughter volunteered to brush my hair. OH. EM. GEE. Those handfuls became brushfuls. It was crazy. And they just kept on coming. She finally put down the brush and just started raking through my hair with her fingers. Interesting that the longer hairs seemed to all come out first. I guess that makes sense. After all, they're the oldest. She eventually fetched a ziplock gallon bag and we now have a lovely bag of hair in the bathroom cabinet. Weird, you may think. Well...

I had read a story about a chemo patient who, after drying her hair, would shake the towel out the window. She did this repeatedly over some weeks. Several months later, a neighborhood child ran to her holding a sweet little bird's nest, commenting on how soft it was. The chemo patient picked up the nest and realized that it was made almost entirely from her own discarded hair and was, indeed, as soft as could be. Isn't that sweet? I may have told this story in a previous post but I'm much too tired to go back and look. I claim chemo brain! So I figure that, next spring, I'll help the little birdies out.

This is a good time to mention a particular angel in my life. A fellow BC warrior, she apparently had quite the scarf and beanie collection. She offered to send me some, as she said she had 'zillions.' Well, zillions is a big number so I took her up on her generous offer. Let me just say that I am the proud owner of several beautiful scarves of all sizes, colors, and fabrics...some are even pre-tied! And some adorable little beanie hats in a soft bamboo fabric. I seem to have a head covering to go with everything. I'm so blessed.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

One Boob Doll

Today I'm one step closer toward achieving the dream of every baby-boomer: to be a rock star! Yeah, baby!

Made it to my drum class ('Principles of Drum Set' or something like that) after missing the last 2 Saturdays. So I've attended sessions 1 & 4. Missed 2 & 3. It was a lot of fun. And I have a lot of practicing to do. The only other student in the class over 8 was not there today. I'm probably going to miss session 5 next week due to chemo recovery/afermath. We'll see. At least I have my trusty drumsticks from Amazon.com with which to practice.

So my daughter is a fan of a band called One Eyed Doll. She really gets my (sick, weird, off-the-wall, gallows) sense of humor. When I told her I was going to start a rock band with my new-found drum playing skills and asked her to guess the name of said band, she needed no prompting. She knew exactly what I was going to say. (See title of this post above). It's really wild when a person who came out of your body thinks the same things you do at the same times. I still have two boobs, btw, for those inquiring minds that need to know. And the name stays, whether I end up with 0 boobs or 3 or 4.

I'm really having a great weekend. I guess one just lives it to the fullest when one knows that the next one may be not-so-rosy. Last night we went out for sushi 🍣with another couple. DELICIOUS! And so fun! The place was noisy as hell,🙉 as always. Usually that bothers me so we go elsewhere but last night I didn't care. It was just fun to be OUT and able to taste FOOD and ENJOY it and not worry about what would happen G.I.-wise later. Maybe that's T.M.I. Have I used enough acronyms here? 😆

I managed to finally file for disability on-line yesterday, after having put off going into the EDD (another acronym) office for WEEKS. Long story short, it started out as unemployment due to lay-off but then the Big C came along and then it dawned on my that I probably should qualify for disability 'cuz who's going to hire me when I need to spend half the work week at doctor appointments? Apparently all I needed to do was open another account or claim or whatever online instead of constantly having my old password not work and waiting (and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting) for the promised-but-never-delivered email with the link to establishing a new password. Idiots. I hope my 49 days aren't up. That's the State's threatened deadline to file such things, I believe. Idiots. The truth is that I just wasn't UP to walking into that office and having to deal with a...with a...a...moron. My apologies to any employees of the great state of California who may be reading this. I'm definitely not talking about you.

That's about it, except for hair and bones. Hair: still here, although I think it's falling out slightly faster than usual. I have a feeling that this coming second round of chemo may leave me a tad follicularly challenged. Something to look forward to! Bones: The possible bone pain as a result of the neupogen injections have NOT materialized. How cool is THAT? I was told to take Claritin daily to offset the bone pain. Well, I've been taking it daily for years so perhaps I was more than ready for neupogen's assault. Or perhaps with my history of osteopenia, osteoporosis (I think), and hip replacements, I'm actually having bone pain but don't realize it. Whatever it is, I'm grateful.

Party tomorrow! I really want to go, whether I'm up to it or not. 😉

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Chemo Sobby

So, I had my first chemo 4 days ago. Then "hydration" the next day, along with a Neupogen shot. Another Neupogen shot the next day, AND I get another tomorrow and another the day after that. What is Neupogen, you may ask. It's a bone marrow stimulant with a reputation for causing bone pain. So I have that to look forward to. 😆

Seemed to lose a little more hair than usual while shampooing last night. I figure I'll be bald in 2-3 weeks. But I digress.

So, yesterday, 3 days after chemo, I just felt crappy. All that sleep I missed out on? I'm blessedly getting it back! So grateful I'm able to sleep because, frankly, unconsciousness is a blessing when one has a headache, fever, upset stomach, blah blah blah.

Now I don't know if my particular chemo office is typical or not but, judging from the info gleaned on the internet, it's decidedly low-rent. Expectation: Soothing, quiet, low-lit room with comfy recliners containing patients and their 1-2 supportive friends/family members who sit with them quietly playing board games, reading, or surfing the 'net on the free wi-fi provided. Or watching the television. Reality: Room too small for the dozen fake recliners (they don't seem to actually recline) with crappy linoleum, crappy lighting, no room for friends or family, NO wi-fi, 😲no TV...ugh. The upside is that it didn't take the 6 hours or so that I thought it would. More like 2+. Oh, and the room is rather warm, so the nice blanket I was given to ward off the chill has become superfluous. Hey, at least they'll give ya a pillow! I wish I could lie back and close my eyes but it's too upright. Whiney baby. That's moi. The staff is all very nice, however, I wish they would wear nametags like the doctors do. Because, being the daughter of an R.N., I want to know what the credentials are of the person administering my poison. Is that too much to ask? Yes. Yes, it is.

Well, I'm boring myself with my whining. I think... I think I just might be able to drive myself to get my shot tomorrow. Fingers crossed. 💉


Sunday, July 22, 2018

Countdown to...

As the ever-approaching chemo day lurks on my horizon (3 days from now, but who's counting? ME, that's who!) I'm finding it hard to sleep. Actually, some nights it's flat-out impossible to sleep. Take the night before last. I was up until about 10:30 yesterday morning! And there went the day. I feel that I'll probably be sleeping a lot post-chemo, so I should stay awake and get a few things done while I still can. Ugh. Thoughts like this keep me up nights.

And now, as the day of poisoning nears, my head is swirling with thoughts of immunotherapy, clinical trials, Vitamin B17, etc. etc. Is pumping the poison practically straight into my heart what I really want to do? I mean, it seems to be standard procedure; chemo, surgery, radiation. That's how it's done. Isn't it? I like my doctors and trust them implicitly. As I write this I have another tab open on my computer to the American Cancer Society's Clinical Trials. I'm reading a lot. When I can. Sometimes my comprehension goes out the window. Probably as a result of distractions and distracted thinking. What's ahead? How sick will I be? Who's going to do the stuff I might be unable to do?

OMG I'm driving myself crazy just writing all of that.

SO...been looking at a LOT of wigs lately. Turns out there's (what seems to be) an awesome wig shop not far from home at all. I found them on line and have watched several of their videos. When I looked up where they were located...well, it just has to be fate that they're so close. Anyway, trying to get up the nerve to go in there. I figured hubby may not enjoy such an outing, so maybe I'll grab a friend and maybe go on a weekday which might be less busy. Or, on second thought, hubby might want to go.

I figure I need at least one serious wig that could pass for real hair to go with the freaky Halloween wigs with which I plan to complete my collection. Since it's late July, they will inevitably be available at retailers everywhere soon. Every now and then I might want to sport some freaky pink or aqua hair. Or maybe some rockstar hair. Amazon has all kinds of fun hair. I could have Axl Rose or Slash hair in no time at all. 🤣 To a former theatre major, the options are endless.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Oncological Logic

I really like my oncologist. Just came back from only the second appt. with him and I feel as if I'm in good hands.

Thankfully the PET scan came back showing only cancer in the left breast and lymph nodes. I was so afraid that it had spread. Started to imagine/horribilize that it was in my other breast, lungs, etc. Ugh.
Also, the EKG was good. And the port is in. The red blisters from the allergic reaction to the port bandages are healing, also. AND it's been 10 days since the port was installed so I can SWIM! Hooray! 🏊

So I start chemo next week. Sounds like an ordeal, but I'm glad I'll be doing something to fight this insidious invader. Kinda' scary. Don't know what to expect. Besides feeling like 💩, going bald, and barfing, of course. And being an absolute gem to be around, no doubt.

I have an amazing friend who just lost her husband to cancer. She has a blanket for me to use during chemo. What a beautiful gesture. I'll feel as if her husband is watching over me during the treatment. Another angel in my life. How do I deserve so many?

I told the Dr. today how freakin' TIRED I've been today and yesterday. More so than usual. He said it's probably because I've been through a lot of tests and appts. lately. He's right, I have. And there are many more to come. More appts., more scans, more EKGs...the fun continues.

Been watching a lot of Youtube lately. Cancer, wigs, etc. Some posts are very helpful. Some posters are just nuts. LOL. Right now I'm learning all about wigs. Mainly how to attach one to a bald head. I must admit that, with Halloween coming up (at least the retailers seem to think so) I expect to have lots of fun picking out a coupla' outrageous wigs to wear NOT for Halloween, but for every day. The weirder the better. My daughter has a hot pink number that I plan to confiscate for this purpose. I could have different hair every day - at varying levels of tacky, crazy, and realistic. 😆

I guess that's it for an update. I thought I had more to say, but I can't remember. I think I have chemo brain before the chemo.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Please Enter The donut

Yep, that's what P.E.T. must stand for. That was yesterday's adventure. How was it? Well, as Tom Petty said, "the waiting is the hardest part." And what a wait it was, although I have a feeling this was nothing compared to what's coming.

Got there at about 7:30 a.m. Drank some weird clear liquid and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, at 9:15 a.m. I was called back. Only to wait an additional hour after being injected with weird radioactive crap. Third injection attempt was the charm as he blew out two veins with his first two attempts. I'm beginning to realize how one might appreciate having a port. He couldn't use my brand new port for some reason, though. It was still all bandaged up and sore.

So then it was into the donut for maybe 20 minutes. Kind of anticlimactic after all the waiting. Not so bad. If you close your eyes, you don't even know that the ceiling of the donut is practically on your face. Kinda' claustrophobic, but it seems they kept moving me in and out of the donut, so not so bad. I would say that the hardest part was having to hold my arms overhead with wrists crossed. Reason being my chest port wound was sore and the weird tape was pulling.

My angel friend (you know who you are) then took me back home where I was so happy to be able to EAT. Then I basically napped the afternoon away as I had only slept about 3 hours the night before.
Anticipatory insomnia, I suppose.

Today got up super early and am thrilled to report NO APPOINTMENTS! YAY! Also, (hold onto your hats)...I get to SHOWER! Had to wait 3 days from port installation. It will be so nice to wash my hair! Now just one more week until I can swim. 🏊Missing that 'cuz the pool is so nice and I like to swim at night if I can't sleep.

Took the bandages off of the port incisions in anticipation of a shower and they don't look too bad at all. The skin around is kinda' irritated and itchy from me scratching and that weird tape that looks like clear packing tape that was on top of the bandages. I think that plus the betadine really dried out and irritated my skin. The port underneath my skin is kinda' weird but not too gross. Incisions are kinda' (there's that word again) high up so my bikini modeling days may be numbered. 👙

So, on the advice of another angel (dear friend), I'm going to get a second opinion prior to starting chemo. It only makes sense. So blessed to have my friends to think of this stuff for me. And that's going to be even MORE valuable once I have "chemo brain." Although, I can't help but wonder if chemo might improve my memory as it's so bad now it couldn't possibly get worse.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Any Storm In a Port

What must this PORTend? We shall see. In spades.

Yesterday I got my port installed. Today I am sore. Wonderful nurses and Dr., though.

The most wonderful nurse sat down with us (me & my mother-in-love) ahead of time to explain it all in detail. Just to supplement those middle-of-the-night Google/Youtube meanderings, no doubt. What struck me was a port sample (No, not the wine! Although that's an idea.🍷) with a flesh-colored rubbery patch over it which simulates how an implanted port might feel under the skin.

After that, I was wheeled in to the Twilight Zone. Actually, twilight sleep, although there doesn't seem to be much difference. The best part of that was finding out (between snoozing) that they all had quite a sense of humor. And, for the record Dr., I do NOT snore!

The drama began once we were home and eating a late lunch. I had almost completely bled through my little gauze patch, so it was back to the Dr. we went. Apparently there was a bleeder in the top incision that had flowed down and soaked the gauze on the lower incision. They took it all apart, glued it all back together, applied cold packs and PRESSURE. No ribs were cracked. LOL. I was told not to bend over (again) for 24 hours. And if that little vein bled again, he would probably have to put in a suture.

Well, it's now the next morning and so far, so good. Well, except for being freakin' SORE. Tylenol is only mildly effective.

Today it's an EKG. So glad it's close to home and won't involve a lot of time nor pain. That's pretty much my plan for the day. An EKG. Then come back home and...sleep, probably.

Tomorrow is the PET scan. I'm supposed to stop eating everything except basically vegetables, proteins, and fats starting 24 hours ahead. Which means I have about 10 minutes to finish the tea I'm drinking as it contains a splash of (fat-free) half & half.

Things to look forward to: A shower (2 more days), swimming (9 more days), eating without considering the upcoming PET scan(1 day).

Gosh this is kinda' hard to write. I think my brain is still recovering from the Twilight Zone.

Friday, July 6, 2018

I SLEPT!!!

Aaaaahhhh...it's amazing what complete exhaustion can do for a girl! Got some SLEEP!!! Great day today. Got some CBD gummy drops to help with sleep for tonight and as needed. Got some pot-inspired dog treats for our ailing almost-teenaged dog, as well. She'll be 13 in 2 weeks! But I digress. Gnarly pot shop. Or whatever those stores are calling themselves these days. Hadn't really ever been to one before. Good experience. Hope the gummies work. If so, I'll be back. Really knowledgeable staff, too. I guess I'm so impressed 'cuz this is all new to me. I mean, I was a good girl (to an extent) in the 70s/80s. I CERTAINLY did NOT go to head shops back then! Horrors! LOL.

We all got pedis today. Me, hubby(!), and daughter. Daughter got a mani, too. It was fun! Hubby and daughter also got haircuts. Not me. I'll be bald soon, so I saved some money there.

So, between running errands and pedi, etc., I got all of my upcoming appts. scheduled (for now): the port installation (OMG and ew, gross!), the heart check, and the PET scan (another scary thing as well as claustro-inducing). The port is really the one I'm dreading the most. I mean, how gross to have some object implanted under your skin? So I guess it's a good thing that that will be taken care of first. And that I'll be knocked out, too. Well, twilight sleep.

It occurs to me that if I hadn't slept well last night then all of this might be overwhelming. So thankful I got in those Zs. It makes a HUGE difference. 😄

Now all I have to do is remember all the dietary restrictions for the port and the PET (not that there are that many, but still...), but not the heart check. I'm so confused. I wonder how my brain will be once I start chemo. Maybe it will be an improvement.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Repose, Rest, Shut-Eye, Slumber, Snoozing, Forty Winks, Siesta...

sleep
slēp/
noun, 
  1. 1.
    a condition of body and mind such as that which typically recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is relatively inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscles relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended.


Oh. Is THAT what it is? I had almost forgotten. 😪

So, yes, it was the 4th of July yesterday. And, yes, here in exclusive Pyro Acres they were out blowing up the neighborhood until...well, I think I heard the last one at about 3:40 this morning. The dog and the guinea pig seem to have made full recoveries. Of course, they just seem to fall asleep whenever they please. What's their secret? I, as per usual, was up until past sunrise. Nice. (Not).

I had tried some new sleeping pills and they just seemed to make my "itchy-twitchies" worse. Instead of restless legs syndrome I seem to have restless body syndrome. With itching. Fun times. Anyway, turns out these pills are actually generic benadryl. And they somehow made me itchier and twitchier. (*sigh*) Which sucks as one would think that benadryl would have the opposite effect. 

SO... "Marijuana oil!" more than one friend has said. So, we shall check that out later today. The shop is conveniently located next to our vet. So perhaps the dog could get a mani/pedi whilst we're perusing the, uh, weeds. 

My wonderful husband ran some errands for me today. How lucky am I? Went to pick up my mammogram and ultra-sound/biopsy records from the imaging place so that I would have them for my upcoming PET scan. And he ran to Walmart to return something AND to AAA to order me a new license plate. I had gotten pulled over on my way home from my biopsy last month (super timing!) and given a fix-it ticket for my missing front license plate. After driving around without it for two years, fate picks THAT particular moment, when I'm behind the wheel and in a mental fog looking forward to home and wine after the trauma of biopsy, to have a cop pull me over. 😩

So...PET scan. Wow. Lots of dietary changes in order to prep.  48 hrs. before the scan, do not get chilled. (What? Why? Not likely as it's going to be over 100°). 24 hrs. before, no liquids except for water. No dairy, no starch, no sugar, no gum (!), no smoking. OK foods: meat, fish, chicken, pork, eggs, tofu, oils, butters, margarine, fresh leafy greens, onions, avocados (hooray!), cucumbers, broccoli, no dressing other than oil & vinegar, and plain or lightly salted nuts (yay). 6 hrs. before the scan, only water. It'll take 2-1/2 hours. And are you claustrophobic? That's a shame. They didn't really say that but...I guess if I have a nervous claustro-breakdown, I'll get to escape the evil scan tunnel that much sooner. 

One more thing to look forward to is tomorrow's 7:30 a.m. blood draw. Hopefully I'll remember my doctor order this time. And hopefully I'll sleep before then. 

Monday, July 2, 2018

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Hell, just to SLEEP would be swell! So I was up until dawn two days in a row, which led to sleeping all day yesterday. AND I was able to sleep a little last night. Hopefully I'll get on a normal schedule. Soon.

This does wonders for brainlessness, as I went to get blood drawn this morning without my Dr.'s Order. Ugh. What an airhead. So I rescheduled for later this week.

The following message is an example of how blessed I am with an abundance of awesome friends. What could go wrong when I have this kind of support? ~

"Don’t let the diagnosis scare you to death. You can and will beat the hell out of it. It will take time and you will do it. Don’t be scared. Be mad! Be angry! How dare cancer invade your body. Convince yourself and put yourself in your new normal. Which is FUCK CANCER. Tell yourself constantly that you are too mad to allow cancer to win. Your positive mindset is most of the battle for success. Reach out to the world and ASK for their prayers. Prayers work. Lots of prayers are even better."


Saturday, June 30, 2018

Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.

WTF??? It's 4:49 a.m., I'm dead-ass tired, and I have YET to fall asleep! Hubby says I have too much on my mind. Could be...

I'm just so restless. I've tried everything. Reading. Listening to podcasts. Hot shower (at 2:30 a.m.). Hot cereal.

Usually those last two do it for me.

I give up. Party at a friend's later today. Wonder if I'll be able to get some rest beforehand. More people that don't know yet. Hate having to deliver bad news.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Stage 3

Or should that be in Roman numerals? Stage III. Hmmm. Will have to think on that. In fact, need to think on a lot of stuff before I can't think anymore due to (drum roll, please) CHEMO BRAIN. Yes, as if I didn't have enough trouble remembering stuff, looks like that's in my immediate future.

So...met the oncologist yesterday. Thank God hubby was with me, as he can help me remember what I can't or didn't get scribbled down fast enough.

Turns out it's Stage 3/III because it's >5 cm. Yep, I am apparently carrying around a tennis ball in my left breast. A tennis ball which DID NOT SHOW on the 2017 mammogram. Either it's fast growing (duh) or I have dense breasts. Or both. Oh, and it's also 3/III because it's in the lymph nodes. Geez.
And it's the "most common type" as in hormone receptive but HER2neu-negative. Apparently the latter is a good thing.

So, I'm gonna' need 20 (TWENTY!) weeks of chemo to shrink the tennis ball by at least 50% prior to surgery, followed by radiation. The odyssey begins...

And, yes, all of the chemo side effects shall be mine to cherish.

Anyway, before this fun and games can begin, I need a PET scan, a heart ultra-sound, and...a PORT INSTALLED UNDER MY SKIN. Good lord and WTH? THAT sound so gross, but apparently it's necessary as the chemo - strong chemo in my case - will just burn out the veins. Ew.

And that's the happy, happy news from here. As soon as I figure out what the URL is to this blog, I think I'll be ready to give it out to friends and family for their reading enjoyment. Stay tuned...

P.S. I feel validated as the Dr. said yes, cancer CAN make you tired as your body is fighting it. So now I have my answer as to why I've felt SO tired for the last several months...now, if only I could SLEEP at night! (*sigh*)

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

M.R.I. = Must Run Immediately?

Well, I had a funny photo which I had uploaded, but gawd only knows where it is on this computer! I can't find it! It actually seemed to go somewhere in google, but...who knows?

Today's topic is (drum roll, please):

BREAST MRI!!!!

So I was told over the phone that this would be no big deal, that I'd be in by 9:30, out by 10:30. No prep needed, I can drive myself, blah blah blah...

Let's just say thank goodness for my mother in law! She came 30 miles to pick me up, take me to the appt., and then out to lunch. What an angel.

So...it's a little more involved than the in and out stated above. First of all, they start an IV. For this, they had me lie down. Why? So that if I faint, I'm already prone? I don't know. Felt like I was in an O.R.

Anyway, the IV wasn't so bad. Although the release form one must sign to have that (weird, starts with a "G") substance pumped into one's veins is a little scary. I thought back to when I was in labor with a baby "in distress" and how that seemed an opportune time for the doctor to hand me a release form to sign citing possible death as a result of the pending emergency C-section. And I thought of chemo poisons which were probably in my immediate future along with cancer and the fact that I was almost 60 and not getting any younger and thought, "Heck, what's a little starts-with-a-G that might stay in my body and brain forever? Bring it ON!"

So the MRI position was NOT comfortable, but the upside was that I was face down so it didn't really matter how claustrophobic I might have found the machine. Yay! Just grateful that the crap they injected into me did NOT cause a headache and did NOT cause a weird taste or smell sensation. Slight saline at the start. No big deal.

Anyway, AFTERward my back really hurt and I felt kinda' dizzy and off-balance. Not real well at all. Again, SO glad I didn't have to drive. Felt better after FOOD. So nice of m-i-l to take me out to lunch.

We were there for maybe 2 hours tops and the parking cost (drum roll) $11.20! WTF????? Now I need to go back there for a PET scan. Think I'll walk the 9 miles from home.

Got a lot of sleep when I came home. Felt great. Have not been sleeping well at all nights. Even when tired. I love when I get enough sleep and have some ENERGY and feel like getting STUFF DONE.

First oncologist visit on Thursday. As in two days from now. Tons of fun. Stay tuned...

Monday, June 25, 2018

A Blogger is Born

 

So...here I am. I guess I'm a blogger. Somehow I managed to find a blog platform(?) and actually set one up. We'll see how it goes. Got the idea from a blog I ran across which the blogger used to keep her friends and family up to date if and when she was too ill/tired to do so. 

Not really doing this for anyone else to read, although I have a feeling that will change in time. Allegedly stuff like journaling/blogging is good for you. Like yoga, eating right, sleeping enough, exercise, mindfulness, and all that other good stuff. 

Been reading/listening to podcasts about a lot of that stuff lately since my DIAGNOSIS. 

There it is. DIAGNOSIS. 

It was, hmmm, about 11 days ago...OK, I got it. It was June 14th when I got the call. It's still hard to believe now that I write about it. And here I thought that I had accepted it by now. Breast cancer. Yep. Breast cancer. I have breast cancer. That looks less threatening in lower case type. Anyway, for 3 or 4 days I just walked around thinking, "This is unreal," and "I have breast cancer," and, "WTH?" 

Stuff like breast cancer only happens to other people. Yeah, just like death is for other people. Not for me. I'm going to live forever. I'm immortal, like Samantha on Bewitched. (*sigh*). 

Well, then you go from that to "How am I going to tell people?" And then you start feeling badly that you're going to ruin their day by telling them. Lots of thoughts, lots of emotions. Fears. It's all churning around in the brain. I'm up many nights until, well, all night. Sometimes I just don't go to bed at all. Not healthy, I know.

My daughter and I seem to have the same warped, sarcastic, gallows sense of humor. We went shopping the next day or so and she called it "celebrating cancer." Which I found hilarious. I had a friend who went through a hideous divorce many years ago during which she lost a good deal of weight. I remember her jokingly referring to her situation as "the divorce diet." I've been thinking of that a lot lately as I guess I'll soon be embarking upon "the cancer diet." Nice. 

How did this all begin, you may ask? Noticed some irregularities. Had a routine mammogram, which lead to a needle(s) biopsy(ies) of the mass and lymph nodes. Which led to a diagnosis. 

Since then I've been to a surgeon. Nice, handsome man. I was alone and topless with a tall, handsome stranger, it's true. (*sigh*). He says it's "at least Stage 2." And he has referred me to an oncologist. That's 3 days from now. He told me to stop taking my Prempro. Gawd only knows what THAT'S going to do for my disposition. So far I'm relatively sane. Relatively. 

Tomorrow is an MRI which, when I read about how that's done, sounds like tons of fun. Can't wait. 

Oh, and tomorrow is weigh in day at Weight Watchers. Which I will probably refer to as WW from now on. Since I've been eating non-stop out of sheer anxiety, that ought to be rather sad. 

Before I sign off, I should mention my amazing friends. Sometimes you just don't realize how lucky you are when certain people come into your life. I am in awe at how blessed I am to have the friends I have. Friends from high school and from college and from work...most of whom I've known for a minimum of 25 years. I don't know how I got so fortunate. Am taking my time telling one or a few of them at a time and they've been...in a word...AMAZING. More on that later. 

Hope to keep this up on a daily or almost-daily basis. Thank you for reading, if you've gotten this far. 😍