Chemo Sobby

So, I had my first chemo 4 days ago. Then "hydration" the next day, along with a Neupogen shot. Another Neupogen shot the next day, AND I get another tomorrow and another the day after that. What is Neupogen, you may ask. It's a bone marrow stimulant with a reputation for causing bone pain. So I have that to look forward to. 😆

Seemed to lose a little more hair than usual while shampooing last night. I figure I'll be bald in 2-3 weeks. But I digress.

So, yesterday, 3 days after chemo, I just felt crappy. All that sleep I missed out on? I'm blessedly getting it back! So grateful I'm able to sleep because, frankly, unconsciousness is a blessing when one has a headache, fever, upset stomach, blah blah blah.

Now I don't know if my particular chemo office is typical or not but, judging from the info gleaned on the internet, it's decidedly low-rent. Expectation: Soothing, quiet, low-lit room with comfy recliners containing patients and their 1-2 supportive friends/family members who sit with them quietly playing board games, reading, or surfing the 'net on the free wi-fi provided. Or watching the television. Reality: Room too small for the dozen fake recliners (they don't seem to actually recline) with crappy linoleum, crappy lighting, no room for friends or family, NO wi-fi, 😲no TV...ugh. The upside is that it didn't take the 6 hours or so that I thought it would. More like 2+. Oh, and the room is rather warm, so the nice blanket I was given to ward off the chill has become superfluous. Hey, at least they'll give ya a pillow! I wish I could lie back and close my eyes but it's too upright. Whiney baby. That's moi. The staff is all very nice, however, I wish they would wear nametags like the doctors do. Because, being the daughter of an R.N., I want to know what the credentials are of the person administering my poison. Is that too much to ask? Yes. Yes, it is.

Well, I'm boring myself with my whining. I think... I think I just might be able to drive myself to get my shot tomorrow. Fingers crossed. 💉

Countdown to...

As the ever-approaching chemo day lurks on my horizon (3 days from now, but who's counting? ME, that's who!) I'm finding it hard to sleep. Actually, some nights it's flat-out impossible to sleep. Take the night before last. I was up until about 10:30 yesterday morning! And there went the day. I feel that I'll probably be sleeping a lot post-chemo, so I should stay awake and get a few things done while I still can. Ugh. Thoughts like this keep me up nights.

And now, as the day of poisoning nears, my head is swirling with thoughts of immunotherapy, clinical trials, Vitamin B17, etc. etc. Is pumping the poison practically straight into my heart what I really want to do? I mean, it seems to be standard procedure; chemo, surgery, radiation. That's how it's done. Isn't it? I like my doctors and trust them implicitly. As I write this I have another tab open on my computer to the American Cancer Society's Clinical Trials. I'm reading a lot. When I can. Sometimes my comprehension goes out the window. Probably as a result of distractions and distracted thinking. What's ahead? How sick will I be? Who's going to do the stuff I might be unable to do?

OMG I'm driving myself crazy just writing all of that.

SO...been looking at a LOT of wigs lately. Turns out there's (what seems to be) an awesome wig shop not far from home at all. I found them on line and have watched several of their videos. When I looked up where they were located...well, it just has to be fate that they're so close. Anyway, trying to get up the nerve to go in there. I figured hubby may not enjoy such an outing, so maybe I'll grab a friend and maybe go on a weekday which might be less busy. Or, on second thought, hubby might want to go.

I figure I need at least one serious wig that could pass for real hair to go with the freaky Halloween wigs with which I plan to complete my collection. Since it's late July, they will inevitably be available at retailers everywhere soon. Every now and then I might want to sport some freaky pink or aqua hair. Or maybe some rockstar hair. Amazon has all kinds of fun hair. I could have Axl Rose or Slash hair in no time at all. 🤣 To a former theatre major, the options are endless.

Oncological Logic

I really like my oncologist. Just came back from only the second appt. with him and I feel as if I'm in good hands.

Thankfully the PET scan came back showing only cancer in the left breast and lymph nodes. I was so afraid that it had spread. Started to imagine/horribilize that it was in my other breast, lungs, etc. Ugh.
Also, the EKG was good. And the port is in. The red blisters from the allergic reaction to the port bandages are healing, also. AND it's been 10 days since the port was installed so I can SWIM! Hooray! 🏊

So I start chemo next week. Sounds like an ordeal, but I'm glad I'll be doing something to fight this insidious invader. Kinda' scary. Don't know what to expect. Besides feeling like 💩, going bald, and barfing, of course. And being an absolute gem to be around, no doubt.

I have an amazing friend who just lost her husband to cancer. She has a blanket for me to use during chemo. What a beautiful gesture. I'll feel as if her husband is watching over me during the treatment. Another angel in my life. How do I deserve so many?

I told the Dr. today how freakin' TIRED I've been today and yesterday. More so than usual. He said it's probably because I've been through a lot of tests and appts. lately. He's right, I have. And there are many more to come. More appts., more scans, more EKGs...the fun continues.

Been watching a lot of Youtube lately. Cancer, wigs, etc. Some posts are very helpful. Some posters are just nuts. LOL. Right now I'm learning all about wigs. Mainly how to attach one to a bald head. I must admit that, with Halloween coming up (at least the retailers seem to think so) I expect to have lots of fun picking out a coupla' outrageous wigs to wear NOT for Halloween, but for every day. The weirder the better. My daughter has a hot pink number that I plan to confiscate for this purpose. I could have different hair every day - at varying levels of tacky, crazy, and realistic. 😆

I guess that's it for an update. I thought I had more to say, but I can't remember. I think I have chemo brain before the chemo.

Please Enter The donut

Yep, that's what P.E.T. must stand for. That was yesterday's adventure. How was it? Well, as Tom Petty said, "the waiting is the hardest part." And what a wait it was, although I have a feeling this was nothing compared to what's coming.

Got there at about 7:30 a.m. Drank some weird clear liquid and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, at 9:15 a.m. I was called back. Only to wait an additional hour after being injected with weird radioactive crap. Third injection attempt was the charm as he blew out two veins with his first two attempts. I'm beginning to realize how one might appreciate having a port. He couldn't use my brand new port for some reason, though. It was still all bandaged up and sore.

So then it was into the donut for maybe 20 minutes. Kind of anticlimactic after all the waiting. Not so bad. If you close your eyes, you don't even know that the ceiling of the donut is practically on your face. Kinda' claustrophobic, but it seems they kept moving me in and out of the donut, so not so bad. I would say that the hardest part was having to hold my arms overhead with wrists crossed. Reason being my chest port wound was sore and the weird tape was pulling.

My angel friend (you know who you are) then took me back home where I was so happy to be able to EAT. Then I basically napped the afternoon away as I had only slept about 3 hours the night before.
Anticipatory insomnia, I suppose.

Today got up super early and am thrilled to report NO APPOINTMENTS! YAY! Also, (hold onto your hats)...I get to SHOWER! Had to wait 3 days from port installation. It will be so nice to wash my hair! Now just one more week until I can swim. 🏊Missing that 'cuz the pool is so nice and I like to swim at night if I can't sleep.

Took the bandages off of the port incisions in anticipation of a shower and they don't look too bad at all. The skin around is kinda' irritated and itchy from me scratching and that weird tape that looks like clear packing tape that was on top of the bandages. I think that plus the betadine really dried out and irritated my skin. The port underneath my skin is kinda' weird but not too gross. Incisions are kinda' (there's that word again) high up so my bikini modeling days may be numbered. 👙

So, on the advice of another angel (dear friend), I'm going to get a second opinion prior to starting chemo. It only makes sense. So blessed to have my friends to think of this stuff for me. And that's going to be even MORE valuable once I have "chemo brain." Although, I can't help but wonder if chemo might improve my memory as it's so bad now it couldn't possibly get worse.

Any Storm In a Port

What must this PORTend? We shall see. In spades.

Yesterday I got my port installed. Today I am sore. Wonderful nurses and Dr., though.

The most wonderful nurse sat down with us (me & my mother-in-love) ahead of time to explain it all in detail. Just to supplement those middle-of-the-night Google/Youtube meanderings, no doubt. What struck me was a port sample (No, not the wine! Although that's an idea.🍷) with a flesh-colored rubbery patch over it which simulates how an implanted port might feel under the skin.

After that, I was wheeled in to the Twilight Zone. Actually, twilight sleep, although there doesn't seem to be much difference. The best part of that was finding out (between snoozing) that they all had quite a sense of humor. And, for the record Dr., I do NOT snore!

The drama began once we were home and eating a late lunch. I had almost completely bled through my little gauze patch, so it was back to the Dr. we went. Apparently there was a bleeder in the top incision that had flowed down and soaked the gauze on the lower incision. They took it all apart, glued it all back together, applied cold packs and PRESSURE. No ribs were cracked. LOL. I was told not to bend over (again) for 24 hours. And if that little vein bled again, he would probably have to put in a suture.

Well, it's now the next morning and so far, so good. Well, except for being freakin' SORE. Tylenol is only mildly effective.

Today it's an EKG. So glad it's close to home and won't involve a lot of time nor pain. That's pretty much my plan for the day. An EKG. Then come back home and...sleep, probably.

Tomorrow is the PET scan. I'm supposed to stop eating everything except basically vegetables, proteins, and fats starting 24 hours ahead. Which means I have about 10 minutes to finish the tea I'm drinking as it contains a splash of (fat-free) half & half.

Things to look forward to: A shower (2 more days), swimming (9 more days), eating without considering the upcoming PET scan(1 day).

Gosh this is kinda' hard to write. I think my brain is still recovering from the Twilight Zone.

I SLEPT!!!

Aaaaahhhh...it's amazing what complete exhaustion can do for a girl! Got some SLEEP!!! Great day today. Got some CBD gummy drops to help with sleep for tonight and as needed. Got some pot-inspired dog treats for our ailing almost-teenaged dog, as well. She'll be 13 in 2 weeks! But I digress. Gnarly pot shop. Or whatever those stores are calling themselves these days. Hadn't really ever been to one before. Good experience. Hope the gummies work. If so, I'll be back. Really knowledgeable staff, too. I guess I'm so impressed 'cuz this is all new to me. I mean, I was a good girl (to an extent) in the 70s/80s. I CERTAINLY did NOT go to head shops back then! Horrors! LOL.

We all got pedis today. Me, hubby(!), and daughter. Daughter got a mani, too. It was fun! Hubby and daughter also got haircuts. Not me. I'll be bald soon, so I saved some money there.

So, between running errands and pedi, etc., I got all of my upcoming appts. scheduled (for now): the port installation (OMG and ew, gross!), the heart check, and the PET scan (another scary thing as well as claustro-inducing). The port is really the one I'm dreading the most. I mean, how gross to have some object implanted under your skin? So I guess it's a good thing that that will be taken care of first. And that I'll be knocked out, too. Well, twilight sleep.

It occurs to me that if I hadn't slept well last night then all of this might be overwhelming. So thankful I got in those Zs. It makes a HUGE difference. 😄

Now all I have to do is remember all the dietary restrictions for the port and the PET (not that there are that many, but still...), but not the heart check. I'm so confused. I wonder how my brain will be once I start chemo. Maybe it will be an improvement.

Repose, Rest, Shut-Eye, Slumber, Snoozing, Forty Winks, Siesta...

sleep

slēp/

noun, 

1. 1.

   a condition of body and mind such as that which typically recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is relatively inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscles relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended.

Oh. Is THAT what it is? I had almost forgotten. 😪

So, yes, it was the 4th of July yesterday. And, yes, here in exclusive Pyro Acres they were out blowing up the neighborhood until...well, I think I heard the last one at about 3:40 this morning. The dog and the guinea pig seem to have made full recoveries. Of course, they just seem to fall asleep whenever they please. What's their secret? I, as per usual, was up until past sunrise. Nice. (Not).

I had tried some new sleeping pills and they just seemed to make my "itchy-twitchies" worse. Instead of restless legs syndrome I seem to have restless body syndrome. With itching. Fun times. Anyway, turns out these pills are actually generic benadryl. And they somehow made me itchier and twitchier. (*sigh*) Which sucks as one would think that benadryl would have the opposite effect. 

SO... "Marijuana oil!" more than one friend has said. So, we shall check that out later today. The shop is conveniently located next to our vet. So perhaps the dog could get a mani/pedi whilst we're perusing the, uh, weeds. 

My wonderful husband ran some errands for me today. How lucky am I? Went to pick up my mammogram and ultra-sound/biopsy records from the imaging place so that I would have them for my upcoming PET scan. And he ran to Walmart to return something AND to AAA to order me a new license plate. I had gotten pulled over on my way home from my biopsy last month (super timing!) and given a fix-it ticket for my missing front license plate. After driving around without it for two years, fate picks THAT particular moment, when I'm behind the wheel and in a mental fog looking forward to home and wine after the trauma of biopsy, to have a cop pull me over. 😩

So...PET scan. Wow. Lots of dietary changes in order to prep.  48 hrs. before the scan, do not get chilled. (What? Why? Not likely as it's going to be over 100°). 24 hrs. before, no liquids except for water. No dairy, no starch, no sugar, no gum (!), no smoking. OK foods: meat, fish, chicken, pork, eggs, tofu, oils, butters, margarine, fresh leafy greens, onions, avocados (hooray!), cucumbers, broccoli, no dressing other than oil & vinegar, and plain or lightly salted nuts (yay). 6 hrs. before the scan, only water. It'll take 2-1/2 hours. And are you claustrophobic? That's a shame. They didn't really say that but...I guess if I have a nervous claustro-breakdown, I'll get to escape the evil scan tunnel that much sooner. 

One more thing to look forward to is tomorrow's 7:30 a.m. blood draw. Hopefully I'll remember my doctor order this time. And hopefully I'll sleep before then. 

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Hell, just to SLEEP would be swell! So I was up until dawn two days in a row, which led to sleeping all day yesterday. AND I was able to sleep a little last night. Hopefully I'll get on a normal schedule. Soon.

This does wonders for brainlessness, as I went to get blood drawn this morning without my Dr.'s Order. Ugh. What an airhead. So I rescheduled for later this week.

The following message is an example of how blessed I am with an abundance of awesome friends. What could go wrong when I have this kind of support? ~

"Don’t let the diagnosis scare you to death. You can and will beat the hell out of it. It will take time and you will do it. Don’t be scared. Be mad! Be angry! How dare cancer invade your body. Convince yourself and put yourself in your new normal. Which is FUCK CANCER. Tell yourself constantly that you are too mad to allow cancer to win. Your positive mindset is most of the battle for success. Reach out to the world and ASK for their prayers. Prayers work. Lots of prayers are even better."